The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.