My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
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I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me in tagged photos
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie