Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline