Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Finally, a door that understands me
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win