If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
synchronized noseblowing
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?