Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there