According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Pretty much! 😂👀
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“I wouldn’t.”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*