Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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Clicks “open”
Tries door
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Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
LMAO
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea