I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
i hope my email finds you on fire
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation