if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
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Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
bought wrong eggs
Guilty! 🤪
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Optional boss fight.