My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?