Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Muppet Screams
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.