My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”