Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*