My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The glockness monster
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”