Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
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My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Your honor these allegations are
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
yeah not falling for this one
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.