“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“Sheer Arrogance”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack