my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*