[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.