I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.