*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
real
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.