every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
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Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.