馃槈
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Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I鈥檓 more annoyed
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That鈥檚 really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it鈥檚 positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can鈥檛 trust anything anymore
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Maybe if we didn鈥檛 spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could鈥檝e started this baking class on time
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I鈥檓 happy or mad.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver鈥檚 body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Good Cop: You鈥檙e going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don鈥檛 listen to him. Two games, tops.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.