Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.