[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The first one, obviously
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.