An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet