11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky