I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle