Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Had to try this trend 😊
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.