I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Who does Amazon think I am?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview