YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.