I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
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If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
pep talk
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”