This squirrel eats better than I do
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There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh