MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
You Might Also Like
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Meow
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.