It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Damn he played himself
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.