Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Breaking news:
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?