Just a phase…
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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.