Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.