I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”