I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar