Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.