Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You Might Also Like
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids