me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.