4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
two people or more is called a problem
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him