Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.