My time has come.
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.