House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
no
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’