Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Perfect
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”