Yoga Matt
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haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats