This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.